just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
