How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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