I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
