I will die if light touches me.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
