Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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