You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
