Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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