If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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