dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
