Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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