I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
