I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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