I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
