you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
