You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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