you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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