My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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