im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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