Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
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I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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