well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Randomize
