If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
my poor anus
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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