that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
