Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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