tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
