I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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