My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
