dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
