remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You can't special order awesome
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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