what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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