So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
