Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
