Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.