john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?