Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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