Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
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21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.