based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
