; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
