Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
