i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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