He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
