I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
