I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Randomize
