wanna go halves on a baby?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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