Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
