i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
