farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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