shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
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I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
They took my balls.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
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In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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