I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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