It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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