i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
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