News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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