So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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