dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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