your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
