if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
