i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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