My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
