The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
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I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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