My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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