I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
