i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
