his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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