we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
