True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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