i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
