so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Everyone says I win the strip club
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
